MM: POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS SYNDROME
Pierre: Please describe to me what is going on.
“My mind is collapsing; it's been collapsing consistently since the accident. My short-term memory is a hard thing for me; it’s very difficult to hold on to a thought. I am going from one side of the thought to the other. It is hard to even understand language. I forget words. I can’t speak. I have a difficult time speaking. I can hear the words but I don’t understand the meaning. I feel a lot of energy in my body, I can almost see it moving or swaying like a flower. Then I have body issues, occasionally, I am catatonic. For example “Let’s get up”; that thought of getting up dissolves so I end up being frozen. Most things are complex for me now. I have sensory stimulation. My whole nervous system is frayed. If I let go and relax my hands they move on their own. Sometimes I have really intense shaking. I have rushes of energy in my blood and a lot of energy in my forehead. My energy is not calm. I lie down on my back to release energy then I feel a little calmer. Just holding up a cup and putting it down is difficult for me. I know it needs to be moved but before I can move it, I need to know what needs to be done first. Sometimes I have a real urge or need to dissolve, in a spontaneous trance-like state. It is like entering a vacuum.”
“My work is very complicated by itself. I have not been able to work at all, maybe one hour a day, when things click. I can only complete a thought by writing it down. If I write something then I can say it, almost like a disconnection. It’s very difficult to focus when several things are going on at once. Noise can actually hurt. It feels like my brain is getting squeezed.”
“When I rest I have a lot of electrical current zipping around. If my body moves I can stop it. Sometimes it feels like a dance. There appears to be some sort of organization to this spontaneous movement, it seems as if the body is trying to realign itself. Nicotine tablets seem to make me feel better.”
“When I saw the accident, I felt like I was living an impossible situation, it didn’t connect. It was meshing in another way; reality was traumatized, it was too much to contain this experience. Containing it was way over my ability. It was almost as if I left. A part of me escaped and part stayed; the part of me that stayed was numb. It is like my whole being spilled or bounced out. I couldn’t contain the tragedy, in a sense the vessel broke, shattered into millions of particles, not pieces. Some particles came back, like how to eat or how to talk. When something explodes, it expands, as it expands it dissolves, it was a slow motion explosion. I merged with the soundings, it was vaporization, and at the same time there was a timeless quality, a hush that pervaded everything.”
Describe “too much”, if you can please?
“Bewildered, too much information, too many overlapping patterns, I can’t choose. Each piece has a story, and it was like following the story simultaneously, like listening to many radio stations playing at once. With a lot of will and effort I can stay on for a short time, but then it becomes cacophonic.”
Describe the effort please.
“It’s like putting a whole river into a garden hose.”
FOLLOW UP: (after 1 and 2 months)
Pierre: How are you feeling?
“I have been working with my wife. At the beginning of taking the remedy I felt lighter, the energy was working through my neck whereas there was not much flow there before. Everything seems to be clicking into place. There are moments which have been about 80 percent; I am averaging 60 whereas I used to be 10, maxing out a little above that.”
Tell me about your mind, please.
“My mind is no longer collapsing. Before I couldn’t hold on to a thought and get to the other side of it. Now it is much, much better. I can see the mountain I have to climb. Before I couldn’t see it at all. My short-term memory is much better. I can’t say that is a problem at this point. Understanding language is also much better though I have a slight problem of changing thought into language, but compared to what I had, I can live with it. The body still wants to do its thing like moving by itself, but it is no longer a problem because it is not as frequent. I have not had any catatonic episodes. My nervous system does not feel frayed. The mere fact of holding a cup and moving it was a one and now it’s a seven. You remember I had a need to spontaneously dissolve? That’s far better. I know my energy is calmer. I think of the human experience as a sphere and language flattens it down. Music is the best way to express human feelings. Language has its own reality, it is simply not as good.”
Talk to me about the feeling of the vessel.
“I am now existing in a bigger way, it is okay to be living in a bigger field. It is still at times difficult to block stuff out but it is much better now.”
SEVERAL FOLLOW UPS LATER: (up to a year)
“I am feeling pretty good. My mind is working. Some difficulties in falling asleep remain. Being in a group is still a little difficult because of the noise, but I am able to work now. At times I feel about 90 percent, so there has been a massive transformation.”